THE PRICE OF NICE
Dr. Miriam Adahan, May, 2010–05–06
Kindness is an essential "Jewish" trait to the point where we are told to suspect that a cruel person is not really Jewish. The media constantly uplifts us with inspirational stories about saintly people who radiated love to their fellowman and did their utmost to avoid hurting others. Yet we are also told, "Those who are kind to the cruel will eventually be cruel to the kind" (Koheles Raba 7:16). We see the unfortunate results of the numerous Israeli leaders who have not learned this lesson and insist on being "nice" to politicians who promote their own version of the Final Solution, including the suicidal fantasy of "two states living side by side in peace" within the present Israeli borders.
It is not a kindness to allow ourselves to be abused, exploited or manipulated. By not taking protective action when possible, we encourage destructive behavior. Following are examples of naïve and trusting people who paid a heavy price for being overly "nice."
STORY #1: When Meir [no real names are used] needed an accountant, his natural choice was his wife's cousin, Sam, who had recently opened an office. But Sam had severe ADHD. His office was highly disorganized and each time Meir needed a document, he waited uneasily as Sam went looking frantically through the mess to try to find where it was. Deadlines were missed and Meir often had to pay fines. Although Sam kept reassuring Meir that his tricks were saving him money, Meir was torn. He knew he needed to get a new accountant, but he was afraid to hurt San's feelings. How would he face Sam at family simchas if he switched? What if switching would hurt Sam's confidence to the point where he would be driven to drink or suicide, G-d forbid? The price of nice was that Max kept losing money and was so upset that he couldn't look at Sam at those family simchas anyway.
STORY #2: Sara always liked to please others. When neighbors asked her to babysit their children, Sara always said, "Yes" with a smile, even if they came back after two hours instead of the fifteen minutes they had promised. She always loaned out various appliances, even if they were not returned. However, when her mother asked if she could take her elderly grandmother into her home, Sara hesitated. With their tiny, two-room apartment, this would mean putting her three children to sleep in the living room so that bubby could have a room of her own. Furthermore, bubby, who was always a very critical person, was showing signs of dementia and the children were afraid of her. Despite her full time job and trepidation, Sara wanted to be like the saintly people we all read about who welcome this mitzvah. So she said yes. At first, she tried to be happy about the mitzvah. When she told her husband that it was too much for her, he said that they needed the money and that she should push herself. Within hours of giving birth to her fourth child, Sara was back home, fearing that bubby might harm the children. The price of nice was that two weeks later, Sara was in the emergency room with a full-blown panic attack.
STORY #3: Eliezer was always proud of his affinity for mentally disturbed people, inviting them into his home and showering them with food and compassion. The latest is an eccentric man in his 60's, who believes he is a prophet who can predict the future and heal the sick. His specialty was warning people about demons, which he claimed, lurked in inanimate objects. Eliezer called me after his children said that this "healer" had told them not to look at trees, as looking would activate the demons. There was also some inappropriate behavior toward his daughters. When I asked Eliezer why he did not ask the man to leave, Eliezer replied, "I can't kick this poor man out of my house. He's already been her for two years. Where will he go?" The price of being nice is that his children feel that they have lost their home and their respect for their father, who pampers a man they consider dangerous.
STORY #4: Although Miri is only twenty-four, she feels like she has been buried alive since the beginning of her marriage, when she discovered that her husband is an internet addict who sleeps all day and is up all night. When I asked why she married him, she said, "I felt so sorry for him. He seemed like such a nebbuch. I was afraid that if I rejected him, he would be devastated and then I would feel guilty for having ruined his life." The price of being nice is that she ruined her own life and the lives of her three children, who are learning from their father that it is normal for a father to be depressed and dysfunctional."
STORY #5: Michael had been married only a short time when he became bothered by his wife's extreme mood shifts. She could be seductive and sweet one minute and then suddenly start screaming, angrily accusing him of not caring enough about her and not making enough money. There were even times when she struck him, especially if he was late coming home. His mother gave him pep talks, repeating, "Your love will heal your wife. With patience and forgiveness, you will have a wonderful marriage." He was too ashamed to admit, even to himself, that he was a battered man and felt like a failure for not being able to make his wife happy. When he consulted me, I informed him that she was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and that such people are "unpleasable." But when he told his wife that he could not go on, she became syrupy sweet, promising tearfully to change. Yet after a few fun-filled days, she found a reason to attack him again. As soon as he felt he wanted to leave, she became clingy and begged him not to abandon her. He didn't know if he should take the path of the Sage, Rav Chiya, who stayed with his shrewish wife, or the path of Rav Yossi HaGlalili, who divorced his. He finally spoke to his mother-in-law, hoping that she would "talk some sense" into her daughter. But instead of helping, she told him, "If you leave my daughter, I'll have you arrested for abuse. Your name will be mud and you'll never be able to get married again." So he stayed, hoping that his wife would become more stable. And then, when children came along, he stayed in order to save them from her rages. The price of nice was a life of misery. As for the children, they were permanently scarred by their mother's anxiety and paranoia.
STORY #6: Zehava prided herself on being a patient and loving mother. Whenever her children asked for anything, she did everything possible to indulge them. Even when they spoke disrespectfully, refused to help with the chores or even kicked her when frustrated, she smiled and said, "I forgive you." When teachers complained about her children's behavior, Zehava said, "I just don't know how to say no." Even when she found money missing from her purse, she remained in a bubble of denial, sure that time would solve all problems. When she asked her daughter where she got the new clothing and jewelry, she wanted to believe that her daughter was telling the truth when she claimed that friends had given these items to her. Zehava did not acknowledge the smell of alcohol on her daughter's breath or the strange smell on her son's clothing that made her head spin. Being such a nice person, Sonia kept trusting and forgiving. "Anway," she reasoned, "they won't respect my rules even if I do try to set limits with them." Zehava is a "pleaser" who feared losing her children's love. But in her effort to be "nice," she raised children who were narcissistic and manipulative, with no concept of what love means.
It takes courage to be honest, to stand up for our values and set firm limits with people who do not treat us with respect. When one's physical or mental health are at stake, the Torah is clear that it is forbidden to do anything to harm oneself.
[The Adahan Fund helps impoverished Israelis to buy food and other essentials, including medical equipment. Miriam can be reached at 011-972-2-5868201 or emett@netvision.net.il]