STAYING HIGH
Dr. Miriam Adahan
A rabbi once told one of his most promising students, "You think you're so holy? Then go spend a week with your parents!" If this joke makes you smile, then it's likely that the idea of being with family members arouses a mixture of emotions in you. All the joys and tensions inherent in either being with people for prolonged periods of time - or being alone – are heightened at holiday times, along with old behavioral patterns. Childhood fears and jealousies may return to haunt us as in, "Am I wanted, needed and loved – or rejected and insignificant? Who is getting the most love and attention? Who has the looks, brains, confidence, prestige and possessions?"
Whenever you feel as if you are sinking into emotional chaos, think of the sounds of the shofar as symbolizing three negative emotional patterns which need to be changed in order to regain serenity and sanity:
TIKIOT: The word "taku'ah" means stuck. Avoid thinking, "I'm too stuck in my addictions and bad habits to ever move forward."
SH'VARIM: This is from the word "shavur" or broken. Avoid thinking, "I'm too broken from all the traumas and losses I've experienced to experience love or joy."
TRU'OT: This word has many different and even contradictory roots, one of which is "rah" – or evil. Avoid thinking, "My very essence is bad and defective," there is no possibility of ever healing."
The shofar, which comes from the Hebrew word for improvement [shipur] reminds us that we have within us the power to blast ourselves out of these patterns, which make us feel inadequate and unlovable. The shofar tells us, "Don't stay stuck in an attitude of smallness! Yes, you may feel small and broken, because you do not live up to the elitist standards of a harsh society, which says that only the brilliant, ebullient, beautiful and beloved deserve honor! In truth, your essence is infinite. You are far more powerful than you can imagine. The smallest mitzvah can change the fate of the world. You are beloved by God, as you are, at this very minute."
To help you remember these truths, it helps to adopt certain "spiritual disciplines." My favorites are:
RULE #1: I DON"T COMPETE OR COMPARE. One of the main goals of our ego is to make us feel constantly deprived, wallowing in the feeling of, "I'm never getting enough – love, comfort or power." Break through the barriers created by these childhood judgments of superiority or inferiority. Think: "Wherever I am on my spiritual journey [and we are all on such a journey, whether we recognize it or not] is exactly where I need to be. Whoever I am at this moment is perfect. People see my age, clothing or face – but the true me is infinite, powerful and Godly."
RULE #2. I ACCEPT WHATEVER "EMOTIONAL PARNASSA" I AM GETTING AT THE MOMENT. Let's face it, how much love and understanding do most people get? No one really understands anyone else – at least not 100%. So, tell yourself, "Just as Hashem determines my financial income on Rosh Hashana, He also determines my emotional income, i.e., how much love, respect and appreciation I get from others. Whatever I'm getting is precisely what I need for my growth. I don't determine how much I get; I can only control how much I give out!"
RULE #3. I CAN MULTI-TASK EMOTIONALLY: Just as we can be on the phone and cook or clean at the same time, we can also engage in "emotional multi-tasking." The Klausenberger Rebbe, Rabbi Yekutiel Yehudah Halberstam was a truly holy man who lost his wife and eleven children in the Holocaust. On Sukkot, there was no sukkah, etrog or lulav - only hard, back-breaking labor. One Shemini Atzeret, he refused to go out to work and remained in the barracks to daaven. When the guards realized that he was not in the line-up, they dragged him outside and beat him mercilessly in front of all the other prisoners. When they finished, the Rebbe was barely breathing. Those who witnessed the scene went to work, certain that the Rebbe had not survived. Yet when they returned at night, they were astonished to find the Rebbe not only alive, but limping around a small stool, holding a few pages from a small torn Mishnayot in his hand, doing his hakafot in honor of Simchat Torah." (The Klausenberger Rebbe; the War Years, Feldheim Press, p. 129-31.)
We all get beaten, abused, abandoned and betrayed to some degree. We may have pain and sadness in our lives, but we can do our own personal maximum to bring a little love and joy into the world at any given time. We cannot demand of ourselves to feel "happy" at all times. This is not possible or healthy. We do not have to suppress or eliminate our true feelings. We can let them be, while we work on accomplishing, to be as loving and joyful as possible at the same time.
RULE #5. I PRACTICE EMOTIONAL MODESTY: "A fool expresses whatever he feels, but a wise man holds back" (Mishlai 29:11). It might seem justified to vent our anger or sink into self-pity. But a truly free person is one who does not let himself be controlled by his feelings. Share only if sharing will bring about an improvement in the situation. Communication can often make things worse.
"In order to connect to the Supernatural – you must do the supernatural" (Netivot Shalom). People seek the help of a therapist because they are afraid that they are going out of their minds. I see the sukkah as a symbol of a place beyond the rational mind. It is a dimension in which we experience unconditional faith, joy and love – all of which may seem irrational at times. So, yes, go "out of your mind" in a positive way. Each time you stretch a little beyond our comfort zone and do the difficult, think of this as a spiritual victory. Be proud of yourself for resisting that extra serving of cake, for recycling your plastic bottles, from not saying the critical remark which is on the tip of your tongue, from doing a chesed or focusing on the prayers instead of saying the words mechanically.
From the moment we awaken in the morning until we go to sleep, we have hundreds of victories. Focusing on them throughout the day is the best way to lift our spirits. You do not have to feel good to do good. Just do good – and let Hashem take care of Iran and our politicians and whatever else He has in store for us this year! Our true power is in our ability to turn "rah" (evil) into "rey'ah" (friend) by thinking of our victories we can win as we face our particular challenges.
Hashem gave us 7 powers to deal with the pain in our lives. They are chessed (kindness),gevurah (self-discipline), tiferet (integrity and compassion), netzach (carrying out our daily tasks with determination), hod (being humble and self-aware), yesod (committing ourselves to a higher cause) and malchut - knowing that we are b'nai Melech, that our self-worth comes from Him, not from other people!
The Holidays give us a chance to break through our sense of deprivation and smallness and fill us with a sense of abundance and greatness. The sukkah reminds us that while the entire physical world, and our bodies as well, are fragile and temporary, it is davka this very feeling of vulnerability which brings our spiritual greatness to the fore in a world fraught with insecurity and pain. So think big! Your ability to spread love is a sign of your infinite, Divine essence!