POWER PLAYS

Dr.Miriam Adahan, February, 2010–02–24

Megilas Esther prompted musings about how people often act like Achashverosh and Haman, forever vying for control, suspicious of possible intrigues, dealing with intense jealousies and engaging in power rituals. Powerholics are just as obsessed with kavod and control as others are obsessed with shopping or food. In every interaction with another person, no matter how minor, they strive to be in a position of superiority, keenly attentive to the minor gestures of submission or authority, such as whether to stand or remain sitting, whether to smile or frown or whether to fulfill a request or resist. They can engage in aggressive power plays, such as by scorning or demeaning others or in a passive-aggressive manner, such as ignoring a person's presence or delaying a request, even one that could be met in seconds. Although powerholics can be very charming and gracious when they want something from you, they can turn nasty in seconds. To avoid setting off their short fuse and to maintain your sense of self-worth, you must often play along with their little power games, such as:

Expect them to be very secretive. Even if you are married to this person, you might not know where their money comes from or what they do with their time. Not giving you information keeps you in the dark, in a one-down position and maintains their sense of superiority. (Apropos, a senior officer in Israel's secret service was quoted as saying, about the recent killing of an Arab terrorist in Dubai that, "Ambiguity is power." He certainly does know!)
Know that they want to be seen as flawless and even god-like. Thus, never even hint that you see any defects or imply that they made a mistake. Never infer that they are to blame for something that went wrong.
If they do make a mistake, expect that they will blame you.
If you knock, expect that they will keep you waiting until they decide when or whether to open the door. If they would respond immediately to a request, it would make them feel as if you have control over them, G-d forbid.
If you ask for something, expect them to stonewall or say "Later." This is a way of saying, "You can't decide for me. You can't control me."
Expect to be greeted with a scowl. Anger keeps you one-down, putting you in the role of a bothersome pest. As an employee or family member, you must act as if you have no importance.
If you are criticized, do not explain, justify or defend, as they will interpret this as you being critical of them. Remember, they can never be wrong.
Expect the unexpected. They might be nasty and taciturn to you in private but talkative and charming in public, prompting others to say, "How lucky you are to have such an awesome relative." Thus, if you ever complain about them, no one will believe you. On the other hand, they might attack you in public to alienate possible sources of support and make you look like the "bad" guy and the one who is at fault for problems in the relationship.
Just as Mordecai told Esther not to ask for anything, do not make any demands, as doing so is interpreted as an attempt to gain control over them. You can make a request, but never make a demand. Handle things on your own or do without. If they do help, praise them lavishly.
Expect them to have a host of rules, none of which are spelled out ahead of time. You discover the rules only when you accidently and innocently break one. Like a mine-field, you never know when you will step on one of their unspoken rules and cause an explosion.
The smallest infraction, such as opening the refrigerator without permission or laughing too loud, will be turned into a major crime. Even if a rule is totally irrational, go along submissively if you want to keep your job or relationship. Don't try to "reason" with them since blind submission to their rules is their test of your loyalty.
Apologize, even if you are totally innocent. Taking the blame keeps you in the one-down position and might avoid humiliating denunciations. If you closed the bag of sugar with three folds instead of four or used a small fork instead of a larger one as they have commanded, do not confront.
Do not initiate. Always wait obediently to be invited in or invited to talk. The person in power is the one who can start a conversation. If you initiate aconversation, this implies that you see them as equals, which will arouse anger. They must then put you down to reassert their position of power.
Expect to be blamed for their bad moods and general unhappiness.
Do not seek understanding for your feelings. They are not interested.
Do not confront if you are a people-pleasure or approval seeker. You don't stand a chance, as they have many tricks which will cause you to back down and give in. Only a person well versed in power politics can confront and even enjoy the ensuing fight, which they see as an exciting challenge.
Expect that, after making a request, they might take time to go about their business without telling you how long you will have to wait before your request is fulfilled. Be silent. If you are in a hurry, do not say so, as this would imply that your time is as valuable as theirs, thus igniting their ire. Even if it would take only seconds to give you what you want, you will have to wait.
To end the ritual, always express profound appreciation for their generosity and apologize for having bothered them.

Most of us have encountered people who engage in such power plays. It is no use trying to change them, as the behavior is usually unconscious and instinctual. Even bossy three-year-olds will criticize, ignore or defy their peers, siblings and even their parents in order to gain a sense of superiority, control and importance. It is very traumatic to live with someone who engages in this behavior. I think of this whenever I return home and press the message button on my answering machine and hear someone say, "Miriam, please pick up. I need you. Please answer me." Their words imply that I am sitting next to my phone and perversely not answering. Why would a person think this way? It must be because someone in that person's life played power games and deliberately did not answer in order to maintain their position of superiority and control. Ever since, the person thinks that everyone is playing these games with them.While people-pleasers will do anything to win affection and connection, they are at the mercy of those who crave power and superiority. By recognizing such unhealthy patterns, we are less likely to take their behavior personally. Powerholics are in their own little prison, much like alcoholics or internet addicts. By understanding their compulsion, we can maintain a degree of emotional distance and maintain our sense of self-worth despite their painful denunciations and never-ceasing efforts to control. [I take this opportunity to thank all of those who contribute to my Adahan Fund. Because I have no office expenses, every dollar goes straight to the desperately poor people who have nowhere else to turn. I can be reached at 011-972-2-5868201 or emett@netvision.net.il . For further information, see my web-site:www.miriamadahan.com]

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