MARITAL MISERY
Dr. Miriam Adahan
There are many issues in any unhappy marriage which must be addressed in order to reduce the level of emotional anguish. Start by tapping and saying:
Even though I am so unhappy, I DEEPLY AND COMLETELY ACCEPT MYSELF.
LONGING: (Determine your SUD level)
Even though I long to be loved, I deeply and completely…
Even though I long for him to hold me passionately, I deeply and completely….
Even though I long for the ecstasy, I deeply and completely….
Even though I long for him to touch me like a virtuoso would play an instrument…
Even though I long for him to understand me on the deepest level of my being….
Even though I long for him to appreciate what a wonderful person I am….
Even though I long for him to be grateful for how much I do/have done for him….
Even though I long to be pampered and petted like someone precious….
Even though I long for him to give me a sense of security…
Even though I want him to be strong and protective….
Even though I long for him to be considerate of my needs and feelings….
Even though I want him to be my safe, secure anchor in an insane and unsafe world…
Even though I long for him to validate my feelings…..
Even though I long to share my feelings…
Even though I long for his eyes to light up with love when he sees me
Even though I long for ___________________________________
SHAME: (Determine your SUD level)
Even though I am ashamed that I didn’t win the Love Lottery…
Even though I’m ashamed that Hashem didn’t give me a Soul Mate…
Even though I’m so jealous of women who have happy marriages…
Even though I am ashamed at the way he behaves in public…
Even though I am ashamed that I fell in love with such a jerk (and what that says about my powers of discernment and judgment)….
Even though I am ashamed that I wasn’t good enough to win his love,
Even though I cringe in shame when he screams at me….
Even though I am ashamed of his physical impotence….
Even though I am ashamed that I am still trying after all these years…
Even though I am ashamed that I still have this “hope dope….”
Even though I am ashamed that I still want his love….
Even though I am ashamed that I was too stupid to figure out how to win his love….
Even though I am ashamed that I wasn’t pretty enough or sexy enough…..
Even though I’m ashamed that I’m so upset when other women don’t seem to mind that they married creeps.
Even though I’m ashamed that I don’t know how to cope with this profound pain…..
Even though I’m ashamed at the way he chews his food….
Even though I’m ashamed of his skin/pot belly/nose/smell,….
Even though I’m ashamed when he speaks in public…..
Even though I’m ashamed that I want him to die in a respectable accident,
Even though I’m ashamed of what he has turned me into________________
Even though I am ashamed that ________________________________
RAGE: (Determine your SUD level)
Even though I am enraged that he speaks so disrespectfully to me….
Even though I’m furious that he shows absolutely NO interest in me, my life or my feelings and ignores my pain, that he is so totally unware…
Even though I’m furious at how my life turned out….
Even though I’m furious that he has turned me into a depressed, bitter, rejected, helpless, grief-stricken, broken-hearted, sad and worn-out shell,
Even though I am enraged that he has betrayed me….
Even though I’m enraged that he treats me like garbage, but acts loving to ________
Even though I am enraged that I have to live in a freezer….
Even though I’m furious about his silent treatments,
Even though I am enraged at the way he smirks and makes fun of me….
Even though I am enraged at his critical remarks…
Even though I am enraged at his stupidity….
Even though I am enraged at his insensitivity,
Even though I am furious that he treated me like an object,
Even though I am enraged at his physical impotence…
Even though I am enraged at his lack of shame….
Even though I am enraged at his utter superficiality…
Even though I am enraged at his lack of true spirituality…
Even though I’m enraged that I have to pretend publicly that I’m happily married….
Even though I’m enraged that I can’t tell anyone how I feel….
Even though I’m enraged that people would blame me if they knew….
Even though I’m enraged that he is withholding what I need so desperately…
Even though I’m furious with the advisors who promised me that if I would just give more and stay loving and respectful, that then he would change,
Even though I’m furious that he lies, distorts, denies, won’t face reality,
Even though I am enraged that he is so arrogant, pompous and domineering ….
Even though I’m enraged that he is so petty, argumentative, demanding…..
Even though I’m enraged that he is cold, closed-minded….
Even though I’m enraged that he is so passive, depressed, gloomy, dependent,
Even though I am enraged that he is so unstable, unreliable, unresponsive….
Even though I am enraged that he is explosive, cruel, sadistic, rude, punitive…
Even though I am enraged that he is so utterly dull and boring,
Even though I am enraged that he is sarcastic, cynical and dishonest
Even though I am enraged that he is lazy, self-centered, selfish and self-absorbed….
Even though I’m furious that he is paranoid, suspicious, passive-aggressive,
Even though I’m furious that he is stubborn, self-righteous and stingy…
Even though I’m furious that he is rude, crude, vulgar and repulsive…
Even though I’m furious that he is so ______________________________
Even though I’m furious that he is nice to __________ but mean to me,
Even though I’m furious that my parents set me up for abuse by being __________….
GRIEF: (Determine your SUD level)
Even though I am in grief over the fact that he does not love me….
Even though I grieve the loss of my sexuality….
Even though I grieve that he has not given my children a personal example of a normal, happy marriage and a loving father…
Even though I am so sad about being alone….
Even though the loneliness feels like an abyss which will swallow me alive….
Even though I feel that the life has been sucked out of me and I am already dead…
Even though I sometimes want to die….
Even though I grieve over a lifetime of wasted efforts….
Even though I grieve over my lost dream of a warm, loving, supportive family…
Even though I grieve over a lonely old age…
Even though NO ONE ELSE sees what I’m going through,
Even though I’m so confused about my next step,
Even though HE GETS TO LOOK LIKE A SAINT,
Even though he goes merrily on his way while I’m miserable,
FEAR: (Determine your SUD level)
Even though I’m scared that I’ll go crazy if this goes on….
Even though I’m scared that I’ll turn into a bitter *itc/have already become one……
Even though I’m scared for the kids, and how they’ll be influenced by his insanity, cruelty, nastiness, hypocrisy ________________
Even though I’m scared I won’t be able to keep up a cheerful appearance in public…
Even though I don’t know how I’ll go on living….
Even though I fear he may kill me……
Even though I fear I may kill myself…………
Even though I’m afraid I might kill him…..
Even though I’m scared that I’ll be depressed forever….
Even though I’m scared that _______________________________
BODY ANXIETY: (Determine your SUD level)
Even though my throat feels tense around him,
Even though my chest feels tight and suffocating…
Even though I don’t want to eat/overeat….
Even though I tremble when I think about him….
Even though his presence repulses me…
Even though my neck/back muscles go into spasm…
Even though my skin crawls….
Even though my body goes into shock when I have to sit at another meal with him,
MY CHILD MIND SAYS….BUT THE TRUTH IS………(NEW CHOICES).
My child mind says it’s all my fault, but the truth is ____________________.
My child mind says that Hashem didn’t think I deserved to have a soul mate, but the truth is ___________________________
My child mind says that he could love me if he just made the effort, but the truth is….. ___________________________
My child mind says that he should love me, but the truth is__________________
My child mind says that my mother was right – that I don’t deserve love, because I’m so ________________. But the truth is I deserve to be loved and treated with respect.
My child mind says that it’s the woman’s job to sensitize, civilize and socialize the man and that she’s a failure if she doesn’t, but the truth is________________
My child mind says that I could have done more, the truth is__________________
My child mind says that I will go crazy, the truth is__________________
My child mind says that he could be loving but that he is withholding his love to punish me, but the truth is_____________________
My child mind says that I’m stupid for staying and taking this abuse, but the truth is I deserve a MEDAL OF BRAVERY for providing a cover and keeping it together…..
My child mind says that I’m crazy for staying, but the truth is___________________
My child mind says that I unconsciously deserve to be hurt, but the truth is….. ______________________________
My child mind says that I’m already dead and there is no longer any reason to live, but the truth is…… ________________________________________
My child mind says I’m a coward for staying, but the truth is __________________
My child mind says that I’m not good enough to get his love, but the truth is ……
___________________________________________________
My child mind says that this is my only chance for love, but the truth is ………..
My child mind says that there must be a solution, but the truth is….
My child mind says G-d hates me and is punishing me, but the truth is…………
My child mind says that this isn’t fair, but the truth is__________________________
My child mind says that I wasted my time and energy, but the truth is _____________
My child mind says I should not forgive, but the truth is _________________
TAP ON 3RD EYE:
I am eliminating all the emotional hurts and all the roots of this hurt, sadness, trauma and anger and all the deepest causes of this problem….
(Do the same with “I am eliminating all the hurt/anger/fear/trauma….)
Even though I still have some hurt, I see myself being centered and calm.
Even though I’m still a little afraid, I see myself coping with strength and faith.
FORGIVENESS (only when you’re ready and to the degree you can do it!)
I forgive him. I know he did the best he could, given his level of awareness and programming. Icompletely and permanently forgive.
KABALAH – “release”
Could I release on my desire to make the remaining sadness(fear, shame, etc.) go away right now? Could I just let the emotions BE, without judgment or justification?
Could I release on wanting to fulfill my dream of having _______________?
Could I release on the pain in my throat/chest ________________? (be specific)
Could I release on wanting the anxiety, restlessness, agitation and pain to disappear?
Could I release on the next minute of insomnia…and the next?
Could I release wanting to change his fingernails, his shoelaces, that one hair on the back of his hand….? (be very specific!)
Could I release on wanting to control the future and his effect on the children?
Could I release on the desire to go back and redo my life?
Could I release on wanting to control the amount of love and approval I get?
Could I release on wanting to control the way he eats/talks (Be specific!) ________________________
Look for what you CAN release on in the room or your body (BE SPECIFIC!).
Forbid yourself from releasing.
Release 1%, for 1 minute or suspend for 1 minute.
How much can I release on wanting love, understanding, approval, security?