HOW TO HANDLE CRITICISM
Dr. Miriam Adahan, March, 2010–03–03
It is impossible to avoid criticism. We are judgmental of others and they are judgmental of us. That's life. We must do our utmost to avoid hurting people with our words. But what do we do when they hurt us? The following will help:
Validate your pain and define your feelings. It's painful to be insulted. In fact, we are told, "Shame is the greatest pain" (Shabbos 50a) In addition to shame, you are likely to feel shocked, anxious, attacked, discouraged, angry and hostile. These are normal responses.
Hold on to your sense of self-worth. This requires that you remind yourself that, "This is just this person's opinion. It does not define all of me. I am a Bas/Ben Melech and Hashem loves me as I am right now."
Transform the event into an opportunity for spiritual growth. Let the pain remind you not to insult others. By not responding, you can use your silence as an "es ratzon," i.e., to experience that the gates of Heaven are open for you to make a request. There are amazing stories of people who were silent in the face of insults and were granted requests that they made at that time. Pray for someone to find a shidduch, to have a refuah shlaimah or to succeed in some endeavor. Prayer helps you restrain your hurtful impulses and diverts your attention to holy matters.
Analyze the event. All the millions of criticisms can be reduced to five major categories. Underlying the words one or more of the following: YOU ARE….
Evil
Stupid
Uncaring
Crazy
A failure
It is helpful to prepare yourself for criticism by actually calling yourself these names at times so that they are not such a shock. For example, although I do not take pleasure in hurting people like true evil-doers, I do sometimes hurt people's feelings by being unaware or impulsive. As for stupid, I am definitely dumb when it comes to figuring out how to fix my computer. And I drained my battery by leaving the light on in my car, which was a bit stupid. And as much as I care about so many people, I cannot visit all those who are sick or attend all the simchos I get invitations for or talk to all those who call me for help. As for crazy, well, I do get overwhelmed at times and a bit moody. And, in some ways I'm a failure. I tried to play guitar, but don't have musical talent. I wanted to succeed in medical school, but dropped out due to my lack scientific aptitude. What Hashem did give me is a good heart – and that is His gift, which I just try to use to the best of my ability. Anyway, you can see how it is good to get used to the humility which accompanies agreeing that you certainly have not lived up to everyone's expectations, and also have not even lived up to a lot of your own. And that's life. We have thousands of expectations of ourselves and others which will not be fulfilled. When people notice this fact of life, we can agree with them.
This does not mean that you have to be in the presence of critical people for any longer than is absolutely necessary any more than you would want to be in a room filled with cigarette smoke or live next to a nuclear reactor. However, by focusing on the above tactics, we can learn to bear the pain with patience, humility and faith.
[I take this opportunity to thank all of those who contribute to my Adahan Fund. Because I have no office expenses, every dollar goes straight to the desperately poor people who have nowhere else to turn. I can be reached at 011-972-2-5868201 or emett@netvision.net.il . For further information, see my web-site:www.miriamadahan.com]