Off the path
BY DR. MIRIAM ADAHAN
Almost daily, I receive phone calls or letters from desperate parents whose children have decided to leave the path of Yiddishkeit. I understand their pain. I’ve been there. When one of my children showed signs of rebellion, I struggled
with all the feelings which parents in such situations know so well: fear, shame, guilt and anger, but especially deep grief.
There are a lot of ways to “lose” a child, and one is by having a child reject a life of Torah and mitzvos. It is a kind of death experience for parents. Judaism means shared values and rituals which allows people to bond despite differences in personalities. Without this “glue,” the bond is broken, sometimes forever. The child leaves emotionally, and often physically as well. And that feels like death -
no more, no less. While the child is thrilled to be “free” of what he feels are the
burdensome rules and regulations of Torah, the parents know all too well where
these “freedoms” might take him: perhaps into immorality, intermarriage or drugs,
G-d forbid. People often reassure parents “S/he will surely return and everything
will be fine.” But to the mourning parent, these assurances ring hollow.
Why are some children attracted to the secular world? People like to offer
theories. Yes, when there is an involved father and true shalom bayis (i.e., parents
express love and respect for other), children rarely stray. But the sad truth is that
few fathers spend quality time with their children, and mothers nowadays also
tend to be busy outside of the home. The level of physical and emotional abuse
has risen drastically. But many other factors come into play. Yes, some parents
are too strict - but others are extremely permissive. Some parents are physically
and emotionally abusive, but there are very loving. Many who stray have learning
disabilities and feel like failures in school, but others are creative souls who are
turned off by what they see as a boring school system. Sometimes it’s the TV in
the house, which taints their pure spirits, but many who go off the path come
from homes where even a computer screen was not allowed. Some were crushed
by nasty-tempered teachers, but others with the same teachers were not. There are
always inspiring people in the frum world who serve as positive role models for
those who are looking for such. But “believing is seeing;” i.e., once a child is
already turned off, he finds many reasons to support his hostility.
Sometimes the children were always “difficult,” while others were “model
kids” until this sudden break. Sometimes the “cracks” begin very early, around
the age of 9 or 10, but the most difficult years tend to be from 14 until 18. The
first signs are often subtle and seemingly normal. For girls, there are the earrings
which dangle farther down than the school permits or the hem line which is just
millimeters above the regulations. Boys may chafe at wearing tzisis when it’s hot
or complain about having to get up to daaven early in the morning. Both boys and
girls may experiment with the latest secular hair styles and clothing and complain
loud and long about what to them are “oppressive and joyless” religious rituals
and uncaring teachers.
You probably tried to be understanding, perhaps begging your child’s
teachers to be patient and allow them some “breathing space,” or change your
parenting tactics or get your spouse to change his or hers. You have probably
spend many sleepless nights trying to figure out what went wrong. Was I strict or
too lenient? Whose fault is it - my spouse or me? That nasty teacher? The
influence of that secular relative or boorish child s/he became friendly with?
By the time a child reaches his teens, it is usually too late for you to be
much of an influence. Other people and pastimes have grabbed his attention.
Your pain grows deeper as her skirts get higher and his kippa gets smaller. You
watch helplessly as your child turns away from everything you cherish and
embraces a world you reject. You cry for their souls, knowing that a life without
Torah is like driving on a highway blind-folded. How will they give meaning to
their lives? How can they bear all the many disappointments and losses without a
strong belief in G-d? What low-level types will they turn to for guidance?
STAYING FRIENDS
I once read a story about a man who came to the Ba’al Shem Tov and
complained that his son had gone off the path (Yes - it happened back then, too.)
The Ba’al Shem Tov said, “Love him.” “You don’t understand,” complained the
distraught father. “He’s going off to bars and taking up with shiksas.” “Then love
him even more,” answered the Ba’al Shem Tov.
The more outrageous the child’s behavior, the more difficult this is to do.
There are no manuals on how to act when a child dresses immodestly, is using
drugs or is kicked out of school. “Tough love” may not work. A child can be out
on the streets or with friends if parents deny him a bed to sleep in. You try to
tread a very narrow line between flexibility and firmness, frantic to hold on to the
last vestiges of a relationship, not knowing when to speak, when to be silent, what
is safe to speak about and what will cause an explosion and even further
alienation.
The following advice to parents may not apply to every family, especially
when extreme behavior, such as drug use or intermarriage is involved. However,
the following may help you to maintain a positive relationship:
1. PRAY. Keep asking Hashem to open your child’s eyes to the beauty of
Yiddishkeit. A person’s journey is in HIS hands, not yours. Furthermore,
at this age, your influence is minimal.
2. AVOID USELESS CONTROL TACTICS: To gain control, you may
threaten, nag, withhold money, cry, scream, lecture, induce guilt in, deliver
ultimatums to, suffer in loud silence, enlist the aid of endless advisors,
bargain with, interrogate, spy on, command, complain, drag to counseling,
provoke, scold, chase after, etc., etc. But if your child is bent on leaving,
he will. If this is his goral [fate], then this is what he must go through.
People are often influenced by forces beyond our control or
understanding. We cannot dictate to others what or who to love. Our
brains our finite and the Plan is infinite. You cannot interrupt another
person’s journey in life without severe consequences. One parent
“married off” a rebellious child at a young age in order to “save” him, but
the child rebelled later on anyway, leaving a marriage wrecked and
children severely traumatized.
3. BE TOLERANT OF BEHAVIOR, AS LONG AS IT IS NOT
DANGEROUS, ILLEGAL OR IMMORAL. Some children need to go
away in order to draw closer. Like all losses, this one is meant to make
you better, not bitter. Better means more humble, more loving, more
forgiving, more patient.
4. MAKE THE PAIN MEANINGFUL: Allow yourself to mourn. After all,
you have “lost” a child in ways that others may not be able to understand.
However, don’t let this child destroy your life. Don’t make him/her feel
guilty for you pain; this only makes them want to escape from your
presence. Take on one extra mitzvah in the child’s name, like reading the
day’s tehillim, giving extra tzdakah or volunteering in help in any of the
hundreds of chesed organizations.
5. SET RED LINES: Be honest about what you cannot tolerate. For
example, tell the child, “When you come to visit, you must be dressed
modestly.” Or, “I do not allow smoking in this house. I cannot bear to see
you harming yourself.” Sometimes, you must limit the time you spend
with a child in order to avoid conflict.
6. OFFER POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS: For example, “Leave your immodest
clothing at a friend’s house and change into them there, where I won’t
have to see you.” “Let’s get together once a week and eat out - without
discussing anything controversial.”
7. HAVE FUN TOGETHER. Many children associate Judaism with “no fun
and no funds.” If all they see is doom and gloom, parental strife and
endless criticism, they won’t want to be around you. The greatest chance
of bringing children back is for them to see you happy and fulfilled with
your life. Keep the home atmosphere joyful by saying your brochos with
enthusiasm and doing acts of kindness with joy. Be a positive model to
the child.
8. LIMIT VISITS WITH OLDER CHILDREN: If you cannot tolerate the
child’s behavior (e.g., immodest clothing, disrespect, etc.) keep visits
“short and superficial.” Your body will tell you when you can’t take it any
longer. It’s better to maintain distance if you cannot avoid becoming
physically or verbally abusive - or if the child is abusive toward you. We
don’t always like all the members of our biological family. They may be
here for our growth more than our love.
9. COMPLIMENT: Mention to your child what you think are his or her
positive traits. If you feel that there is nothing positive about the child,
seek help for yourself. Criticism alienates.
10. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: Don’t blame the child for your own
unhappiness. A rebellious child is an easy “hook” on which to hang all
your disappointments in life. It often occurs during a “mid-life” crisis
when parents are unhappy with their marriage and feeling like failures for
not having accomplished more. Take control of your life: get out and find
fulfilling activities and causes.
11. BE GENEROUS: Because of the prevalence of drugs, do not offer cash to
a rebellious child. However, if you can afford to do so, be generous about
giving money directly to an institution or private teacher for healthy
activities, such as learning an instrument, work-outs in a gym or learning
any subject in which they show interest.
12. INCREASE YOUR SELF-AWARENESS: This experience is for YOUR
own personal growth. It will help to fill in the following:
Hashem gave me this nisayon to me so that I would develop
__________________________________________________
13. WRITE. A method which has been extremely helpful to me personally is
called “non-dominant handwriting.” With this technique, you write a
letter to Hashem expressing all your feelings with your dominant hand
(right hand for most). Then, with your left hand, imagine that Hashem
can give you back LOVE, COMFORT and CHIZUK. When I was
bursting with unexpressed and unexpressable sadness, this is what I
would do. And Hashem always gave me what I needed to hear at the
time. Each of us has a G-dly essence. Allowing that essence to speak to
us is how we heal.
My sincerest prayers are with all those readers who are in the midst of the
struggle with this painful situation. Eventually, Hashem will return all
the children to the path of Truth. In the meantime, our job is to make sure
that we ourselves are on that path.