WHEN WORRY IS TOXIC
DR. MIRIAM ADAHAN
From the time a child is born, a parent worries: is he eating enough/too much? growing fast enough? turning over on time? sleeping enough/too much? Death lurks around every corner: he can drown in the bathtub, choke on a miniscule piece of popcorn, swallow cleaning solution, find matches and set the house on fire, stick things in sockets, slip on a wet floor or fall off a couch. Things are no better outside; he can run into a busy street, tumble off the swing, get worms from the sand or be injured by some bully. Turn your back for a second in the supermarket and he can be kidnapped or molested by some psycho. When he starts school, we worry about his academic and social achievements: popular or rejected? too pressured academically or not stimulated and challenged enough? Then come the teenage years when their raging hormones, identity crises and defiance leave us stunned.
It seems as if our job is to worry. Worry feels like proof of our love. And, to a certain extent it is. Yet there is a huge difference between healthy concern (“I’m doing my best to prevent illness and injury”) and toxic worry, which conveys messages of mistrust, i.e., “I don’t trust you/myself or G-d.” The second type undermines a child’s self-confidence and suffocates him emotionally.
Most of the time, we are unaware of the negative messages we are conveying when we wring our hands over the child’s poor grades, bad manners, messiness, lack of success in the shidduch scene, or any of the myriad other events which can make us cringe with anxiety. But children pick up on the underlying messages of mistrust:
“I don’t trust your ability to cope. You’re weak, inept, weak, lazy, irresponsible, untrustworthy and stupid. Therefore, you must let me control your life or you’ll make terrible mistakes and then we’ll all feel guilty and miserable.”
“This world is a terrible place. No one’s in charge. Suffering is meaningless, random, unfair and unjust. You are alone and unprotected, because G-d doesn’t exist, is unconcerned about you or is out to get you.”
“If you suffer, it means I’ve failed as a parent. If I can’t protect you from all pain and make you a success, then I can’t trust myself.”
“I can’t trust myself to cope. I’m not strong enough to deal with loss myself. If anything would happen to you, my life would be over.”
“Don’t trust people. They’re bound to hurt, reject and abandon you.”
No matter how diligent we are about protecting our children, safety is an illusion. Accidents, illness, terrorism, cruelty and tragedies occur which we cannot possibly predict or prevent. Life is never comfortable for long. Children will face many disappointments, frustrations, unfulfilled dreams, physical pains and failures. Instead of acting as if pain is bad or preventable and that they need us to be hovering mother-birds protecting them from all loss, we need to give them the message that inner strength and emunah are developed by facing painful situations with courage and trust in Hashem’s love and wisdom.
When a child suffers a loss, he needs, first and foremost, empathy and often a long hug. Accept all feelings- anger, grief, fear, etc. Do not try to push anyone to get over their pain by offering emotional band-aids (“Think positive.” “It’s not so bad.” “Time heals.”) These messages are very annoying when someone is in pain. At the same time, give yourself messages of faith so that you can stay calm. It is usually best NOT to say them out loud, especially at the time of loss, because doing so can it seem as if you are trivializing his pain. By thinking these phrases, you strengthen your emunah. Eventually, this will have an effect on him:
FAITH IN HIM: “I have faith in your ability to cope with whatever Hashem gives you, because He knows exactly you need for your tikkun. I trust that you will function to the best of your ability. It is only by coping with failure, pain and disappointment that you discover your inner strengths and learn compassion, humility, courage and self-discipline.”
FAITH IN YOUR LOVE: “I am here to support you on your journey this lifetime. You will encounter the people and events that are necessary for your tikkun, which is different from mine. I cannot fight your battles or exercise your spiritual muscles for you; all I can do is model good middos and hope that this will give you the incentive to develop them on your own, just as I did. Don’t be afraid to take risks and make mistakes. That’s how we learn. Don’t be afraid of pain. Life is supposed to be difficult; there’s no other way to develop our ability to be courageous, compassionate, humble and self-disciplined. Muscles atrophy if one sits in an armchair all day. It’s the same spiritually.”
FAITH IN G-D: “Trust Hashem. He loves, guides and protects us every moment. Nothing is random. He’s running things perfectly. Whatever happens is precisely what needs to happen for your personal tikkun and the world’s tikkun. You will have the strength to cope with difficulties if you trust that this is true. Hashem brings people into our lives and he removes them. He wounds and He heals. It is Hashem who causes people to love us or hate us. Everything has a greater meaning, though we cannot know it with our finite minds.”
FAITH IN OTHERS: “There are many wonderful, courageous, loving people on every block, in every school, every place you go. Seek them out.”
These are the messages of faith we need to give ourselves and our children in times of crisis. When we worry excessively, we do the opposite; we take G-d out of the picture and leave him feeling helpless, alone and overwhelmed. Children of overly-anxious parents are likely to feel inadequate, depressed and resentful. People tend to fall apart or get angry when faced with discomfort and frustration unless they have been trained to think, “I trust that I have the inner strengths to cope.”
When you find yourself worrying, take of how Yaakov avinu responded when told that Esav was coming toward him with an army. Yes, he worried! But his anxiety drove him to do three things: prepare for war, prepare gifts to appease and pray. Always notice where worry is taking you. If it does not lead to positive action, then exercise self-control and use thought-stopping tactics such as diverting your attention or learning relaxation techniques. For example, if you are worried about a child’s health, start exercising yourself – and maybe he’ll want to join. If you’re worried about him or her not getting a shidduch, mention how you use your time for study and chessed, so he won’t think that his happiness is determined by external forces beyond his control. If you worry about him not being disciplined, mention how much better you feel now that you’ve cut down on sugar and caffeine. Throughout the day, use phrases which strengthenemunah and bitachon. Then be patient; it takes a lifetime to work on faith.
The next time you find yourself worrying, ask yourself, “Who am I trying to control? Is my worry alienating and antagonizing others?” You might think that WORRY = LOVE. But the child feels undermined and discouraged. Worry is such a strong habit that it’s hard to identify the defeatist messages lurking beneath our “loving concern:” Notice your words:
1. PARENT: I’m so worried about how you spend your money.
META-MESSAGE: I think you are irresponsible, immature and untrustworthy.
2. PARENT: I’m so worried about your grades.
META-MESSAGE: I think you are a terrible failure.
3. PARENT: I’m so worried about you being so disorganized.
META-MESSAGE: I think you are lazy, irresponsible and totally inept.
4. PARENT: You should be more/less religious.
META-MESSAGE: I think you’re too stupid to think rationally.
5. PARENT: I’m so worried about your inability to find a shidduch.
META-MESSAGE: You’re such a disappointment to me. You’re a failure and a misfit. That means I’m a failure too. We can’t cope with loss.
6. PARENT: Don’t leave. Don’t move to a different city. Don’t take that job. Don’t quit your present job. Don’t marry her/him.
META-MESSAGE: I must control your life, because you’re irresponsible and make stupid decisions. And if you get hurt, I won’t be able to cope, because I myself am too weak to cope.”
7. PARENT: I’m worried about your weight/health.
META-MESSAGE: You are stupid and irresponsible.
Yes, you think, “I’m only saying this because I love you.” But the recipient doesn’t feel loved. He feels controlled and devalued, which is why so many children (even in their 50’s and 60’s) bristle with antagonism when they talk to their overly-anxious parents. So learn to let go. Show concern without sowing messages of mistrust, discouragement and fear which undermine their faith in their ability to cope with life’s difficulties.
Finally, notice the messages you give yourself about the losses an failures in your life. If you are overly anxious, it’s a sure sign that you yourself need to strengthen faith in Hashem’s loving wisdom.